photo by EraPhernalia Vintage
I have been feeling a little confused about what I want in life right now. I wonder what direction I want to take or what choice I need to make to do the things that I want to do. I am sometimes overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities that I have in life. I have felt that way before, and often when I do, it makes me feel extra young. It also sometimes makes me think, “I still feel like a teenager. How am I 33 years old?”
Last night when I was going to bed (a time when I am trying to cool down, but my mind often races off by itself), my mind wandered to my childhood. I thought of my Mom during what was probably some of the most difficult years of her life. Usually I can remember what led me to think of something like that, but as best I can remember, it just popped up in my head.
(When I recently wrote about my scented markers I got when I was eight, I touched some on what I remember about my own experience of the end of those difficult years, along with the start of a better time.)
I didn’t write in that post about what had been happening in the years prior to my Mom getting remarried (and my subsequent adoption). I can’t say that I can remember everything, but I know it was hard. It included a divorce, single parenting of three children (one of whom was in preschool/early elementary), unpaid child support, working two jobs (at the same place), free school lunches (which I will have to share a story about sometime), a break-in at our home, Mom trying to balance feelings of guilt for having a night to go out each week, barely teenage daughters (not me – I was early elementary age) who were doing lots of things they shouldn’t have been doing, and, eventually, a long distance relationship that led to her second marriage. There are other more personal things that I also remember, and there are probably a million things that I don’t.
Throughout it all, I remember thinking that my Mom had it all together. Although I can remember when we would take turns doing primal screams as a group activity down the stair well that led to our basement, my Mom was my constant and I thought she knew it all.
As an adult though, I have looked back at that time with a sadness for my Mom. She dealt with so much. It had to have been a time in her life where she wondered if things would ever get better. I suspect it was years full of feeling, “This can’t be happening. Is this what my life was supposed to be like?”
Only last night when I was in bed, lamenting my own stressors did it hit me — she was my age. All of those things that she dealt with, how grown up and together she seemed to me — amongst those difficult years, she was 33 for one them. I was astounded to really think of it, and I cried. I thanked God for having given me such a strong and loving Mother. Lesser women would have broken in that situation, but my Mom came out on the other side. I am pretty certain that given all of the situations she was in, I would not have done as well.
As I continued to lay in bed, I also realized that when she was just barely older than Eric was when she was remarrying. She was also moving away from her family and everything she had known for so long. She was going to be taking on roles she had never known before, in a new place she had barely been before. That made me cry too. It had to have been both exciting and scary.
I have spent the last 33 years being a pretty huge fan of my Mom. It’s no secret, and pretty much everyone who knows me knows that my Mom is my go-to girl and one of my best friends. I have also always been appreciative of her as a Mother. Today, though, I woke up with a new sense of appreciation – both for my Mom and for the life I have right now.
When I finish writing this, I plan to say an extra prayer of thanksgiving for what my Mom did for us, a prayer to ask God to remind me of those challenges she faced at my age at times when I think life is tough, and I also plan to buy her a gift certificate to her favorite online store as a little thank you for the many sacrifices that she made during those years so long ago.
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Nicely done; it’s not like they hope that you will appreciate all the unknown stuff they went through (though it’s nice); it’s more to realize simply they did it as part of their love for you. Best thing: getting something like this and it’s not even Mother’s Day;)! Good thoughts and wishes for the both of you!
@Derek,
Oh, I don’t know. I hope my kids kiss my feet every day when they are older. LOL 😉
Okay, maybe not.
Thanks for coming and commenting. I always smile at the things you have to say. Such a smart and reflective guy! I’m glad you’re in our family.
I have had those sort of thoughts a lot recently… realizing that my mother was only 38 when she was divorced (and I thought she was WAY too old to start dating), and by the time she was my age was already battling the cancer that she died from. Now, I wonder, did she feel as young on the inside as I often do?
Love ya, Angie!
@Lorin,
Wow – that’s hard to believe that she already had cancer at your age. Everyone did seem much older when we were younger, didn’t they? I bet she did feel just as young as you do from time to time.
Life is kind of a hoot like that, isn’t it? Isn’t it funny how your students probably think you’re so old, but you still feel like you’re their age at times? I read once about life “the days are long, but the years are short.”
I thought of you when I was writing this piece too, actually. (Honest — not just saying that now.) I don’t know how you made it through all you did. When I was writing some of it, I actually thought, “Wait — Lori did a lot of these same things too, but she was even younger. She just didn’t seem so young. Wow — she’s just amazing, isn’t she?”
Pardon me while I grab my tissue box…
Being one of those teens who was off doing things that I shouldn’t have been doing, I often think back about how amazing mom was through all those trials. And now, with a teenage girl in my own home, I have picked up the phone on occassion to just call mom to say, “Hey, I am so sorry”.
When trying to mend fences with Darecks parents when we first got married, she was quick to point out all his flaws over the years, as if trying to change my mind about my choice of marrying him. And while some of the things he did as a kid were bad, they were nothing compared to what I put our mother through.
The one comment I remember making to Darecks mother was this, “What I did in my teenage year would have made you drop dead in your tracks. Some of those things were a thousand time worse than what you are describing of your own sons actions. There was one difference between my mothers actions and your own. MY mother stood beside me through it all, and tried to make me feel like I was worth something. THAT is what a mother is supposed to do, no matter how hard the road gets.” Needless to say, I do not have a relationship with my In-Laws at all… but it certainly has made me more appreciative of my mom.
@Kristin Cherwinski,
Oh man! Your comment made me cry. (((HUGS)))
We’re a bunch of criers, aren’t we? LOL
I thought of all of you sisters while I was writing this piece that did the single Mom stints in life. I don’t know how you all did it. Really — it just boggles my mind. Okay, now more (((HUGS))).
What a beautiful testimony to your mother’s love and to your wonderful relationship!
My parents, born and raised in Cincinnati, pulled up stakes, took their five kids, and moved to the south when I was about a year and half old. When I hit my late thirties I thought a lot about how they took that chance and moved away from all their family and everything they knew – at. my. age! It may sound weird coming from someone who lives in a foreign country, but I was really impressed with their bravery and faith when I thought of that (plus, I’m really settled here in my adopted country)! I am so thankful – especially considering the fact that I met my husband in Atlanta during the short two year window he lived in the US! It’s kind of strange and humbling (and a little scary, yet exciting) to think about how our choices now may affect the lives of our own kids, isn’t it?
Thank God you have a mom who took care of you so well in spite of all that she was going through personally!
Okay, well, you pretty much made me bawl with this one!
I love the way you talk about your mother! I remember being struck by it when I talked with you at Savvy Summit. So sweet! I hope my kids will talk about me this way some day.
You should write a step by step “How To Have Adoring Adult Children”!
@Smockity Frocks,
Thanks for the sweet comment, Connie. That was a really difficult time to be in Colorado when I felt I was so needed back at home. It was only after I got home that my Mom told me that she really hadn’t wanted me to go. She said that telling me to go was one of the hardest things she had ever done.
That was a great post Angie, thanks for sharing.
I often surprised by my own fragility – like you I feel as a mother and 34 year old I really should have it all together by now. God reminds us that we are always imperfect but must keep trying.
Not sure how I am just reading this for the first time now… but WOW!!!!
Again, tears…. you girls (we girls) really are a sappy bunch!! lol
I feel guilty about all that time, we truly were horrible children and on top of all those other things that were happening….. if only we could go back and change things…. but then again, life happens that way for reasons, and none of us would be as strong as we are today had it not happened like it did. It certainly makes one appreciate the ones we love more that we are now older, and wiser!
Love you sister!!
WOW! All three of you girls easily bring me to tears.
I came from a single parent home and looking back I have no idea how my mom did it. I wasn’t the best teen but she, like Kathy stood by me. Your story really hit home for me and like Kristin, I often tell my mother how sorry I am that I was a rotten teen.
I love your family 🙂 I am blessed that I could meet all four of you together !
Thanks so much, Michelle! (((HUGS)))