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I look around nervously, palms sweating, and try to take deep breaths.
“Delena? How about you? Do you feel like sharing?”
I swallow hard. Slowly, I stand up, knees feeling weak.
“It’s a safe place, Delena. We’re here for you. It’s a safe place.”
I clear my throat.
“Uh, hi. My, uh, name is Delena,” I start.
“HI, DELENA!”
“And…” I look around, heart racing. “And…I have had a c-section.”
“Be honest, Delena. It’s a safe place.”
“Okay…” I clear my throat again. “I’ve, uh….I’ve had three c-sections.”
Oh, the shame. The mortification. The absolute embarrassment.
Oh, okay–while I’ve never went to a C-sections Anonymous meeting, I must say that I sometimes experience the same physiological symptoms and feelings of dread when the “Sooooo…how were every single one of your births?” conversation comes up.
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There’s nothing like sitting around with a group of women, though, when the one cuddling the newborn says, “Oh, it was just the easiest birth. Gary helped me pace around the room, and we sat on the exercise ball for awhile, and then bam–he just came out!” or “The midwife arrived at 3:00 in the morning and set up the tub in our bedroom. I walked around the house, got in the tub with Jim, and bam–she just came out! And you’ll never believe it–but when the sun came up, there was a rainbow…and sunshine!”
This prompts every other woman in the room to start telling THEIR Sunshine and Rainbows Birthing Stories while I start sweating.
And then it gets to me.
“What about you, Delena? Did yours go okay?”
“Ummm…I had a c-section,” I say, cringing at what’s coming next.
Gasps. Hands to their hearts.
“Oh, Delena! I’m so sorry!” with sympathetic looks, shaking their heads.
“Well, you SHOULD be sorry–YOU were the reason I had to have the c-section,” I joke, suddenly thinking I’m Don Rickles to ease the tension.
Uncomfortable silence. Crickets in the background. A car alarm goes off in the distance.
And here comes my favorite response:
“That’s AWFUL!”
I plan on trying this out after the next Sunshine and Rainbows Birthing Story.
“…and then she just came out! The birds were singing on the windowsill when it happened!”
Me: “Oh, That’s AWFUL!”
I just want to see their faces.
Yes, I’ve had a c-section (oh, all right–THREE c-sections!), and no, it wasn’t how I “planned” it, but I’ve found a doctor who I actually trust who let me know that my bone structure internally is not conducive to having a baby. Therefore, c-section is the safest route for the baby and myself.
I’ve seen the documentaries and read the literature on the number of c-sections in this country. Do I think that docs get a little impatient sometimes and just want that baby outta there? Yes.
Do I think that sometimes c-sections really ARE the safest way for baby and mom? Yes.
Do I worry that due to my repeat c-sections that my uterus will one day be so thin that the doc will tell me I should not have any more babies? Yes–and I worry that will happen when I’m 30, and the husband and I will have to “NFP-it” until menopause. And seriously, who thinks THAT sounds like fun? Not me.
And do I know that there are more risks associated with c-sections than natural births? Yes. But I also know of women who have had ten c-sections without having problems and women who have had six natural births with a prolapsing uterus as an end result.
Bottom line: Childbirth is not fun. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows with birds singing on our windowsill. It’s not SUPPOSED to be fun, though–remember that whole God telling Eve something along the lines of hard childbirth thing back in the day of the Garden of Eden? Yeah–it’s not supposed to be easy or fun. Whether you have a natural birth, a birth with meds, a c-section, or whether you adopt–the process is not pain-free. It’s mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing–and if you want someone to blame, don’t blame your husband. Blame Eve.
Why we, as women, judge other women by their birthing stories or tell them “how awful” is beyond me. We should be there to lift each other up and congratulate each other on a beautiful experience–NEW LIFE!
St. Gerard of Majella, ora pro nobis.
Delena blogs about life as a Catholic stay-at-home mom at http://itsonmyto-dolist.blogspot.com.
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I think, though, that in the attempt to escape the “how awful!” knee-jerk reaction, it’s very possible to also project our own feelings of our births on to other women in the opposite direction, making them feel guilty for not being “grateful” that they have a happy, healthy baby. Instead of suggesting a particular kind of response, how about listening to the mother and acknowledging her feelings as valid regardless of how we feel about our own births?
Really enjoyed this post. I will be having my third c-section in April. I have been very anxious about it. Love to hear stories of successful multiple c-sections, makes me less fearful of my own.
Hee hee! I’ve had three C’s and am counting the days…oh, all right, I’m counting the MINUTES…until my next one. (Four weeks, three days, one hour, twenty minutes=NOT SOON ENOUGH.)
I have a love-hate relationship with the C’s. I deliver with an NFP doctor two hours away, so scheduling the birth makes that possible. Plus! I don’t have the vaginal issues that so often follow birth. Plus!
But my abdominal muscles are weak, and four major surgeries in six years is really, really tough on the body, such that the last weeks of pregnancy are really, REALLY hard. Minus. I can’t drive or lift a grocery bag for weeks postpartum. Minus.
In any case, my 10-pound 6-ounce firstborn with a head the size of a two-month-old, and my chromosomally-gifted secondborn who flipped into breach at 37 weeks, made the decisions for me. I never had a choice. So it is what it is.
If I could be completely knocked out for five minutes and magically awake to the sound of my newborn crying, I would. Delivery is my least favorite part of having a baby. The baby is my favorite!
Thank you so much for sharing this story- what a great reminder
to us c-section mamas! I did have healthy babies, and I was healthy in the end, the procedure was what was medically necessary to ensure the safety of
both myself and my children
thank you
Thank you for this post. “Hi, my name is Robyn and I have had 4 c-sections.” Gasp. Like you, I didn’t plan it this way but nor do I have feelings of depression or guilt over it. It drives me crazy when people act like they are sorry for me because I missed out on “the birthing experience”. I didn’t miss out, I had a different birth experience and I have 4 beautiful healthy children as a result. Again, thank you.
Wow – this is everything I have ever felt and never said about my own c-sections. You wrote this with gentleness and truth and I found myself nodding along as I read. Unfortunately, after the third c-section we received the bad news that I am not able to have more children. I wish I could but I thank God that because of the medical interventions I did have I am able to be a mom to three boys.
I have had 3 very different births one to include an emergency C section while beginning with no anethesia. YIKES! Having had both experiences, albeit one not being a planned C section, I would never opt for a C section. I think most women trust their doctor more than they do their own bodies and Gods providence. When I was pregnant with my third wanting a VBAC, it was most difficult to find a doctor who would support it. In the end I gave birth vaginally to a beautiful baby girl weighing in at 9 lbs 13 ozs. Just because you have had one C section doesn’t mean you have to keep having them. Each pregnancy and birth is different. Ineould strongly recommend that you educate yourself why you are considered to be a C section candidate and always get a second opinion.
I just found a doctor that’s going to let me try for a vbac. it’s my third is well, any advice on the success of a vbac. I have a 3 year old and 2 year old, with my first it was an emergency c section, the anesthesia did not take, I felt every thing and was throwing eup from pain, until they knocked me out. anyhow I agree with the story and I’m so thankful to have to healthy babies, and look forward to this third no matter how here she comes.
I’m sorry you didn’t feel listened to or that people made assumptions about your birth. 🙁 That really must be frustrating and hurtful.
The key is really *listening* to someone’s story, and not pre-judging. We can’t really assume how any mother would feel about her births, cesarean or natural, long or short, etc etc. However my two vaginal births WERE fun, in a lot of ways! Heck I’ve had friends who swear they didn’t have a lick of pain and I’ve been at births where the mom literally LAUGHED the baby out, so I don’t really agree that birth is *meant* by God to be awful… but I don’t think it makes one less of a woman or mother because of the way your baby was born. But I wouldn’t assume that another mother felt the same way about her own vaginal births.
I am glad cesareans exist for those who truly need them. I am sad that the risks of my cesarean will stay with me and my child and my future pregnancies even beyond my childbearing years. We can feel two ways about the same thing, kwim?
Hugs.
PS see this scriptural exegesis for the “Eve’s curse” thing: http://thestonescryout.com/the_fallcurse/genesis_3_exegetical_commentary The word etsev is used for both Adam and Eve, but for Adam it is traditionally translated “labor” and for Eve “pain”.
Well, I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only one who has experienced this! 🙂 Thank you all for so many nice comments! We found out we are expecting baby #4, so c-section #4 here we come! 🙂
I remember people saying to me after my c-section, “I’m sorry you had to have one.” There were no “Congrats!” or “He is such a beautiful boy!” It was more like a tragedy happened than a happy occasion. Of course, I had a VERY rough time emotionally dealing with my c-section, so these comments hurt deeply. My son is 14 months old now and the pain has gone away mostly. I’m dealing with it much better!
Thank you for this post! We need more c-section stories out there instead of the “I gave birth in a tree at sunset and it was beautiful!” stories! 🙂
I WISH I could have had a c-section with my firstborn! I developed preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome and had to be induced at 33 weeks. My platelets were so low due to HELLP that I wasn’t allowed to have an epidural and they wanted to avoid cutting me open. It took a day and a half to induce, and active labor was the most horrific pain I’ve ever felt. I had IV pain meds, but I honestly don’t think they even touched the pain. Both c-section and vaginal have their own pros and cons, and every woman and pregnancy is different!
I’ve experienced just the opposite. After being scared and disappointed after my own two cesareans, I got the “at least you have a healthy baby” line more times than I could count. Implying that if I was upset from having gone through major surgery at the same time I was starting my parenthood journey I was somehow not grateful for my baby. Its not about shame. In a country where 1 in 3 babies are born by cesarean, and greater than 90% of women who had 1 cesarean go on to have a repeat cesarean, it is the women desiring to avoid surgery that are in the minority and have to go to great lengths to find a birth-friendly careprovider. And as far as bone structure goes, I got the bone structure lecture from my doctor after baby #1 and #2. Then I went on to vaginally birth #3 and #4. I put no doctor on a pedestal. They make recommendations from a place of litigation fears oftentimes.
Love it! Mothers have every right to grieve if they are upset about their birth experiences turning out differently than they had hoped. And they have every right to a practitioner who will help them (as much as possible) to have the birth experience that they desire. But in the end, the most important thing is a healthy baby. Many of us would give the world for a healthy live birth, regardless of the process. And no one should ever make anyone feel badly for having a c-section.
I think that is part of the point though Claire, “But in the end, the most important thing is a healthy baby.” is a very hurtful thing for those who’ve experienced huge losses in their birth… to hear that statement over and over, when my baby in fact has life-long consequences from the way he was born, as do I, as will each future pregnancy bear more dangers to my unborn’s lives, because of that first, non-life-saving cesarean. Just as I would never say to a mom who’d had a cesarean “oh that’s TERRIBLE that you couldn’t have a natural birth” I would never say “ALL that matters is a healthy baby”. A healthy baby matters, absolutely. But that assumes that the cesarean was the healthiest way for the baby to be born… that’s just simply not true for the majority of cesareans currently being performed in the US, and it certainly wasn’t true for mine. (I was told he was “too big” by Dr. Infallible.. and subsequently birthed two babies with the same size head through my “teeny tiny” pelvis because I sought a second opinion.) It’s true for some, and for that I am deeply thankful.
If you read my comment below, you’ll see that I tried to point out that there is a difference between “all that matters” and “the most important thing”. I wouldn’t make either of those comments to a woman who had had a c-section, at least not before gauging how she felt about her c-section. But in the end, I stand by my statement that the most important thing is a healthy live birth. It’s not all that matters, but it is the most important thing. I pointed out that mothers have every right to grieve when their birth doesn’t go the way they had hoped, and certainly even more so when it was a c-section that wasn’t necessary. But try to put yourself in my place and imagine how it would feel to hear from women who don’t move beyond that place of grief, when I would give anything to have a live birth, regardless of whether that birth was a vaginal or a c-section.
“moving beyond the grief” was probably a poor choice of words. What I meant to say was that I would hope in time that grief (over an unexpected c-section) would take a backseat to the joy of the baby. (Of course, even then I realize that the anger from the situation has its place and can be instrumental in advocating for future births, for other women in similar situations, etc.)
I come from a very different place. I *appreciate* hearing from other moms expressions of dismay when I’ve shared my most recent birth was a c-section. It means a lot to me that they understand that a c-section is major abdominal surgery and that each of my c-section recoveries were very difficult. I couldn’t be the mom or wife I wanted to be. I needed so much more help and support (both physical and emotional) in recovery after my 3 c-sections than I have with my 5 vaginal births (even though some of my vaginal births included complications).
Birth is a very deep topic, one where there can be great joy and great sorrow. I believe it’s very important to never impose the concept that “a healthy baby is all that matters” because a healthy mom matters too … and unhealthy babies are still valuable and beautiful babies too. I never want someone to think that my c-sections are no big deal to me. They are, no matter how necessary and how life saving … they are a sacrifice and one my entire family has to take on because I’m not back to normal functioning for 12m following each c-section. Additionally, some women experience ptsd following traumatic births (whether c-section or vaginal). So it’s important to leave room for that, to allow them to feel how they need to feel about their births. It’s important to *listen* with love and empathy.
So as tongue and cheek as it is, I don’t think I’d find these c-section anon meetings to be a safe space. Because I’m not sure I’d be allowed to feel the incredible mixture of feelings that I do about those births, joy that my baby is okay and yet sorrow at the necessary sacrifices. And I can’t begin to express the deep sorrow I have over the rising number of unnecessary c-sections in modern obstetrical practice. When women themselves are nonchalant about c-section and act like it’s “just another way to birth a baby”, then how do we bring this back to “let’s only do c-sections when necessary”? It’s important to acknowledge that c-sections are major abdominal surgery and should only be done when the benefits outweigh the risks. It’s important to honor the mother’s feelings, whether positive or not, no matter what the details of her birth. We gain something as a community of women when we care about what happens to each other.
Karla–
I apologize if it came off sounding like I didn’t like hearing, “How awful,” when women were just expressing conern over me having a major abdominal surgery. (Although, I still think “Congratulations” should trump “How awful!”) 😉
I didn’t really do a good job (mainly because I was hoping to avoid offending anyone!) in explaining how I’ve been literally backed into a corner before with someone lecturing me on why I should NEVER have a c-section and how giving birth on your living room floor with no meds in the only way to go.
It’s very disheartening, as a mother (and as a woman!), when you are being badgered about how you gave birth to your children. This wasn’t “my plan” at all. MY plan was to go the hospital, refuse the pain meds, smile sweetly at my husband while he whispered sweet coaching terms in my ear, and have a baby the good ol’ fashioned way.
But “my plan” was not THE plan in the end–and I’m okay with it.
I do understand that a lot of women out there, however, are NOT okay with it–and my heart breaks for them. I just hope their disappointment about their c-sections does not stem from other women backing them into a corner, lecturing them about why they failed as a woman.
I do understand that c-sections are major abdominal surgeries–believe me–that first time getting out of that hospital bed or when the Hungarian Mountain Woman of a nurse has to come massage your uterus is definitely a good reminder! 🙂 I agree with you that c-sections are becoming very casual when people talk about them–kind of like tonsillectomies. And every surgery has risks, no matter how common or uncommon.
On a completely unrelated note, I will say that I AM that woman that pumps other women for details about their “normal” births–I find the whole process fascinating, and it’s an enigma to me because I know it will never happen for me. Just like I’m sure a lot of women can’t fathom what’s going on in the OR while a doc is delivering your baby via c-section, and you’re awake the whole time. (MOST VULNERABLE FEELING EVER!) 🙂
Some of you have given me things to think about–like the whole “Well, at least your baby is healthy!” response that we are so tempted to give when we hear about a woman having a birth that didn’t go as planned. In the future, I will try to pause before saying anything–and just listen to what the mother has to say about her birthing experience before offering any words.
Thank you for all of the insightful responses!
I am really really sorry that women have badgered you about this. That is so unkind and unnecessary and I appreciate your reminder that all of us can feel so differently about our births, that the most important thing.. is to LISTEN.
I’m not sure if the “all that matters” comment was a response to part of my comment, but just in case I’ll clarify: I never meant to imply that a healthy baby is all that matters, but that a healthy LIVE birth is the Most important thing (not the only important thing). This is coming from someone who has never had a live birth and would jump for joy at the chance to have one via a c-section or any other method. Not to minimize people who are disappointed or upset that they had a c-section, but just to keep it in perspective. And, as an obgyn nurse, I have seen women who have had c-sections who have had very smooth recoveries, and I’ve seen women who have had vaginal deliveries whose recoveries have been more difficult. Most of the time a c-section is going to be a more difficult recovery, but not always. (I’m not saying this to imply that I think the current c-section rate is acceptable, because I don’t. I don’t think unnecessary c-sections are a good thing. )
I have had 5 c-sections and I NEVER regretted them. They brought me healthy, beautiful babies instead of death. Recovery was slower than a v-birth, but just as sweet.
My wonderful Catholic doctor would have stood by me for more, but I never got pregnant after the fifth child. If anyone wants a positive c-section conversation, I am your girl!
I’ve had the whole works, the cesarean, the great hospital VBAC, the home waterbirth with birds singing on the windowsill as I pulled my baby up into my arms falling back into my husband’s arms, followed by a VBAC that still traumatizes me. I am now in a place to be a lot more understanding of all the different birth experiences women have. It’s hard to see things through any other lens than our own experiences. But, having experiences such a wide range, I have very rarely come upon the group where the singing birds is the norm or even close. I think you may be internalizing those comments more because that is where you are at. I’ve been at different points after each birth. I’ve been obsessed with VBAC, but right now I’m connected to stories of women who’ve gone on to have more children after a traumatic vaginal birth. Interestingly, it wasn’t until I VBACd that I got really upset about my cesarean.
Ooh…Mary Beth–I need that positive conversation! Can I e-mail you? My e-mail is: [email protected]
Eva– how neat to experience all of those different types of births–I hope that’s okay to say! I’m sure you are able to empathize with so many different women out there when they discuss their births!
oh my gosh!! Thank you so much for sharing! My mom had 2 C-sections and I think thats the way I am going to go.. some of my friends are like “no way.. its so unsafe” lalala. and I know people who have had like 6 c-sections and are fine. it really depends on the person..
i just love your statement that birth is just not all sunshines and rainbows.. its tough sometimes! Thanks for sharing. just found catholic mothers online. love this place.
This was such a great post! My baby is about to turn 1 and I had an emergency c-section with her. I was in labor for 17.5 hours when I developed a fever and Cupcakes’ heartrate went up. I’m not quite sure what went wrong, but the c-section actually went very well. I am worried about my future babies a little bit. I should do some research…
Jamie
For Love of Cupcakes
Thanks for your post. I never knew that moms felt this way after giving birth via C-section! I have had all vaginal births–many induced due to being overdue. I only laughed AFTER the drugs kicked in. 😉 After reading this: “I will have to “NFP-it” until menopause. And seriously, who thinks THAT sounds like fun? Not me.” I just knew that I needed to respond! I love my babies, all 7 of them (one with an extra chromosome) but it can be tough–financially, emotionally, physically …but there was a tiny bit inside of me that jumped for joy after turning 40. NFP is difficult! You all know what I mean! 🙂 I will always welcome another child but having a 17 year old and a 17 month old (with 5 girls in the middle) is very tough. Anyway, thanks for opening my eyes in understanding those mothers who need to have C-sections. I will be more aware of my words when congratulating them!
Thanks for your post and all the other ladies comments. I am currently pregnant with my third. I finally found the docta Vbac, or is going to let me attempt a VBAC. I want to do you like you Eve and ha e all the birth types. right now I just know how to get to c section, my 1st was emergancy, but I would love advice from your mom’s who did VBacs, what should I expect? how can I make it work? I am praying and know God will work it all out. but prayers and advice is great pleaseappreciated
“lecturing them about why they failed as a woman.”
Delena, I am also very sorry you’ve experienced harsh words from the very people who should be our most eager supporters in this parenthood journey–other mothers! I think that most of the time, people who are passionate about this subject do not believe the woman herself has failed for having a c-section (or three!), but that legalistic and fallible medicine in the United States is being practiced recklessly with regard to birth. In other words, the System has failed many mothers by either intervening when unnecessary and ultimately convincing them they “need” a cesarean when the reality was something different. People want to believe that they can trust their physicians. People seem to view their advice as correct at all times. Physicians are people. Just like us. And they can be very, very wrong sometimes. As a medical professional on my clinical rotations, I heard someone say “you can’t get sued for sectioning. Just section them.”
Women are not failing here. They are being convinced that their bodies can’t do this without help, when really medicine should be about preserving the natural order of the body (an easy example of how it isn’t is birth control, birth is firmly in this direction as well). Women who have had cesareans: you did not fail, and you may have actually needed the cesarean. The truth is that the majority of cesareans performed today are unnecesssary, and it is a big deal if you happen to be one of those, like a friend of mine who was told her baby must be too big, because 18 hours of labor is just too long. She feels robbed of her natural birth, told lies at the most vulnerable point in her life. C-sections, while awesome when used appropriately, are rarely the safest route for both mother and baby.
All of this is no excuse for insensitive comments. In my opinion, change should be happening from the medical community (which I am a part of), but it might only happen if mothers become completely aware of the facets and politics of birth in cut-happy America. We should be educating each other about these things. Sometimes, educating is difficult because mothers are often offended by truth if they were told lies, and then lash out at the messenger.
I wish we could all seek truth here, and lay ourselves down for each other and for our children. Thank you for sharing and engaging conversation about this important topic.
A difference of opinion isn’t necessarily a lie, and educating a woman about the overuse of c-sections isn’t always appropriate when linked to her own birth experience, when she may be too sensitive to want to be “educated”. Like a few people pointed out earlier in the discussion, it is important to listen to where the mother is coming from and to listen to her feelings/perspective about her c-section before reacting to her story.
Hello ladies
I’m joining the conversation a little bit late but I’ve had 4 c-sections and delivered 4 beautiful girls.
With the first one, I remember feeling like I was abnormal and that I’d failed in some way. It didn’t help that when the doctor decided to do a c-section (after doing measurements of my pelvic area and the baby’s head) my own in laws among others started questioning why I couldn’t deliver naturally. I was married for just over a year and still in the stage of wanting to please them. I was depressed and anxious and I guess it didn’t help that it was my first experience at motherhood.
By the second I didn’t care so much what other people thought anymore. By the third, a very nice mid-wife tried to talk me into a VBAC but I couldn’t get support from my doctor and I was too far along to start thinking about changing. My fourth.. came 1o years on the heels of my last
baby. An unexpected blessing and one which brought a little fear with it. I knew that my womb was thinned from the others and I had lost a baby 5 years before. I spent those 9 months like a beached whale since I had started spotting.
After I delivered this last one (5 years ago) I was advised (thankfully not pressured because she was a woman of faith) to do a tubal ligation, which I found the strength to decline.. thank God I have a wonderful priest to talk to! Of course, there is always some fear but ultimately I trust God. I remain open to life as our faith asks us to do and if I had any advice for anyone it is that childbearing and childbirth are personal experiences that are shared with only God Himself.. even our dear spouses’s support do not count as much as leaning on God.
I agree with Delena that it is not supposed to be a ‘wonderful’ experience and my grandmother was fond of saying (she had 9 children living and about 4 in heaven) that being pregnant was like having one foot in the grave. Its a time to be close to our Lord and to trust Him with our babies and with our own lives too. She also said that God had equipped us women with a special ability to forget all that we endured when we hold those precious babes. Truth be told… my memories of the surgeries are so vague now… I do know they were not pleasant experiences but they weren’t awful enough to make me have a headache every night 😉
Thank you Delena for opening up this discussion. I’m sure we’ve all benefited in some way…even if its just by venting.
God bless!
Why is my comment not visible? I realize I am late to the conversation, but my post was unbiased, truthful, and contained perspective from within the medical community. I do hope you approve it. Again, I am so sorry people are offending you about this. You don’t need to let them win! Thank you. In Him,
Danielle
Danielle – The comments had to be manually approved. So, it was nothing personal, I just hadn’t gone through the latest comments to approve them.
Thanks Angie!!
Have had 7 sections (and my Mom had 9) I understand your feelings very well. Natural birth promoters exude judgement and are happy to explain to you why 1) you should not have had a c-section 2) how you have damaged yourself physically and probably your baby beyond repair 3) c-sections are the goal of evil, lazy doctors 4) how your inability to manage labor, stand up to your doctor, make a good birthplan, stay home in labor longer are all the cause of your birth “failure” which resulted in your c-section.
I have been trying to collect my thoughts for a good reply to this article….I think good points have been made. I just sense the very same judgement tone “exuding” from the “other side” though somewhat here, that was described in the article. I think every point you make Mary, that “natural birth promoters” “exude”…. are good points, just perhaps spoken in the wrong manner, and/or taken in the wrong manner. I don’t really mean ‘wrong”….but there are just multiple miscommunications going on, on both sides. It’s so hard when human emotions get in the mix. Okay, I don’t feel like I am making sense…let me explain. I too had a c/s with my first….and then 2 more. I actually did not listen to wise women, and go the route of midwife/homebirth/no drugs/no induction…and “trusted” my doctor and was induced for “big baby/small pelvis” threats. Looking back the cesarean WAS totally unnecessary. No one made bad comments to me though or made me feel guilty. In fact I got some of the “all that matters” comments too, because it was ME and my INNER feelings that made me feel like a failure as a mother. I knew that my hips and body were made to birth…I was the first woman in my family to have a cesarean (and my predicted 10lbs baby was a normal 8lb 11 oz)… anyway, so i began to research natural birth, vbac, midwives, etc… I did plan a cozy candle lit midwife-attended birth the next time, but even then things didn’t go as planned, since there was such fear about VBACs at the time and my time was limited and so on. Sounds like I just wasn’t meant to birth a baby right? So many told me, I ‘m sorry, I guess you just weren’t made to birth, I guess you are one of those rare ones, etc etc. But i did more research…..I used the Pink Kit to map my pelvis and discovered, yes…i did have one of the more rare shaped pelvises…but there were ways for even them to birth naturally. I found out that my God-given instincts were right and arching my back way back was needed, not the popular curved-forward C …..I went into labor w/ my third, happy and confident, praying Hail Mary’s through each contraction….i had a great labor……and….I got a LARGER size baby’s head down through my pelvis and crowning…easy peasy…..sunshine and rainbows were coming….. only, I had a placental abruption and uterine rupture…pathology shows the abruption happened first and is what took my baby’s life…it was silent at first, but then when the pain was so bad, they wouldn’t believe me…it took them until they were losing me, to get me into OR….I had to be revived…long painful recovery, …at age 30 they said no more babies (they had saved my uterus because I’d bled out so fast, they sewed it up…and we had to “NFP it” for a few years so strictly we hardly ever had sex. …until I had to finally have my hysterectomy) ……. Okay…so let’s analyze, because *I* want to. I did not schedule a third cesarean for my third because the stats strongly show time and time again, that more cesareans are worse for mom and baby….but esp. for a Catholic mom open to life who wants as many as God wants them to have. One c/s adds a small added risk….2 or more, add a lot more. Anectodotal evidence (like the doc who cut me the first time said, oh Ethyl Kennedy had 11 and she was fine!) is just not enough….to say, oh so and so had 9 cesareans and was fine. I agree, you have to listen to each mom…not judge. I am NOT arguing with that. I of all ppl do NOT judge a mom who has had cesareans. I never know their individual case, the whys and hows, the feelings and emotions….I try to listen. But in the mean time, in cases like this, when someone brings it up, say ..in an article….i think we MUST discuss it. Like, is it Jenna, above who is having her first and may sign up to have cesareans because her mom had them and it sounds like the way to go? I want to scream NOOOOOO!!!! Yes it is out of my own experience….but also of my knowledge of the stats. and like we said….MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY. If you plan to have more than one, even greater risk… That’s not to scare the mom going in for her 5th, or 6th or xx th number cesarean. We do what we have to do and pray. I just do not not not want there to be a lightening of the graveness of the situation…..(of,..of…of…sorry, grammar sucks these days). I mean…who here has read Kimberly Hahn’s book, where she talks about her c-sections. And us mothers having to make the sacrifices. I find, in my international online interactions with mothers from every kind of background in birth…………the “natural birth promoters” who go “aww how awful”….are RARE! very rare. And more NORMAL is the , oh yeh the cesarean is the way to go, you lucky dog. And the…I wanted the drugs as soon as I hit the parking lot of the hospital, ha ha. And we can NOT make light of this. We can not make light of how serious cesareans really are. My abruption and rupture could have happened at ANY point in my pregnancy…but they probably would have NEVER happened at all if I hadn’t had 2 very unnecessary cesareans. All out of ignorance and bad “medical” practices….. Yes the system has to change. Yes we have to talk about this issue and affect change ourselves. It’s not about judging each other for our decisions to do this or that, or not do this or that…it’s not about calling doctors evil, but it is about calling them out for mistakes, even good doctors. Even good doctors get duped (and are not gods) into falling “protocol” or make decisions out of fear. But we must get educated on what ARE actual mistakes. Yes a cesarean to save a mom who is otherwise going to die from severe HELLP disease, needs a cesarean (while we continue to research ways to decrease it from happening)….but a mom at 40 weeks who has an utrasound that predicts a 10lbs baby? NO. We can call a spade a spade. Without judging our own ignorance or fears or decisions. Can’t we? This is very similar to the conversation I experienced at the beginning of this week about obesity and weightloss. A mom who had lost a ton of weight now felt like sharing her story w/ everyone…esp. those who NEED to lose weight….out of her care and concern for their health, and out of a desire for them to experience the good feelings she has. etc. …. but where is the line between informing/concern and being rude/judging? It’s very hard to determine and a lot of it depends on the individuals’ own baggage and own feelings. I myself am overweight but have had to take “concern” from friends and family through comments. It hurts, because I feel judged. I feel inadequate. I feel ugly. So many things. Yet, I DID need a kick in the pants….I DO need to know others are concerned. I do need to take a long hard look in the mirror and decide if I want to risk an earlier than normal death….and deal with my own sin issues too. Sigh. So I’m not sure where my final point lies….I understand the feelings….on both sides…I’ve been there…on both sides…No, I didn’t get to birth a baby out of my vagina (and have had to grieve that, as I dreamed of it from the time I was a little girl) but at one point I was one of those strongly “you have to do this and this, it’s the only way, the greatest” hyper vigilant birth activists. But kinda like Eva, I sobered up. Yes bad things are going to happen….I certainly know that….even when it’s vaginal. But that MUST not stop us from fighting for safer birth…for us…but more importantly for our daughters and beyond. So we have to lood deeply into what IS safe birth? Or SAFER birth….? And yes, try to put our own feelings aside…at least from time to time, to stand together. Does that make any sense? Or does it offend? Can we talk about it if it does …or does not? And I’d also like to elaborate on the “all that matters” or “most important” thing too….. while I as a mother desire to be like Saint Gianna (whom I also prayed to during my last pregnancy and labor, who means the world to me) and as a mother, for me the LIFE of my child IS the most important, and I’d do anything to go back and give my life for my Noah to live……….I don’t even think, when we are talking about birth in general and the stats and c/s vs. vbac etc….that we can talk about MOST important. To me, it’s LIFE of the BABY *****AND **** MOTHER….equally. Health of the mother, LIFE of the mother should be equally important. Whether it’s cesarean surgery or vaginal birth…… yes , in our devotions, we can and should be sacrificial as mothers….in our vocations….. but we also don’t have to be FALSE martyrs. YK? I think then you go back a generation and get to the “I labored 100 hours for you” or the tore me in half kind of stories that filled us with fear in the first place. That’s just as bad or worse actually than the “sunshine and rainbows”….. we have to move outside of ourselves and think of others….find common ground…but also seek truth. Ok, well I’ve gone on too long, I feel so inadequate in my words…..and frankly this is all very raw for me as it is the very night 6 yrs ago that I lived through the hell I described above…. so….there ya go….
thank you, thank you, thank you for this article…so needed! I’ve had one vaginal delivery and four c-sections and know that the end result is the same…a beautiful and precious gift from God.
Amanda, I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through. I too have dreamed of a vaginal birth (well, any kind of live birth) my whole life, and the loss of that is definitely a heavy cross to bear. Prayers for you on this difficult anniversary.
Wow, this conversation is soooo needed. I’m one of those people who likes to do lots of research into things…..I find it inspirational. I have read alot about breastfeeding versus bottle feeding. And, not just by the provincial (I’m in Canada) medical community, but by those who have THE very most research internationally–La Leche League. Yes, I know some people avoid them. But honestly, why not go to them who knows more than your medical doctor who maybe studied 4 hrs (don’t really know but I know it’s hardly any) about breastmilk, it’s amazing components, how it changes to a baby’s needs, etc. etc. I’ve also heard and read a fair bit about C-sections. Honestly, I would never just trust a regular doctor not to opt for a C-Section. Statistics are quite easily accessible and available for anybody. Statistics state that in North America alone, maternal death is on the rise. The only reason? C-sections. One of the reasons women hemorrage (sp?) is C-sections. Why would any woman really want to risk that? It happened to a friend of mine this past spring. Her uterus started filling up with blood and before she knew it, she need at least 3 blood transfusions. Now, I’m not saying they are never medically necessary. I know women who’ve had to have them on baby # 3 or baby #5—when you’d least expect it. However, I have a hard time believing the reason so many doctors give women—-your pelvis is too small for vaginal birth. Can this really be true? So what we’re saying here is that God did not make your body to give birth naturally? And, it’s apparently not just the odd women here and there, it sounds like this is what ALOT of women are being told. I don’t know, another topic I’d like to research come to think of it. Another statistic: from someone who has worked in the hospital system (not me) is that the dr. on duty will very often schedule a C-section so he can finish his shift on time. It’s the truth! As someone said previously, I think the medical community isn’t trained as the could/should be on giving birth. I don’t know about each state you live in, but I am very fortunate here in the province I live in in Canada. The midwives have to go through 4 years of training at University—-and all they study is related to pregnancy, birthing, nursing. There’s no way a doctor has even 1/8th of this training, unless perhaps an ob/gyn. For those of you who’ve experienced, the “Oh, that’s too bad”, comment, I never realized it would bother somebody. I’ll have to be very careful what I say. However, in saying this, I think if you’ve ever gone through a vaginal, unmedicated delivery, you would have some perspective, perhaps on where that person is coming from. A natural, unmedicated birth is exhilerating. The hormones that a woman’s body has at this time in her life is like no other. It is absolutely incredible what a woman’s body can do. And the amazing high ( or not, I’ve had both experiences) that often accompany a natural birth is something that, I think, we on the “other” side really feel a C-Section experience does not have. The power that is within a woman’s body—-that is God-given, is and has been taken away from us as women, by the medical community. It is not fair. I really don’t want to make anyone here feel bad. I just think God made our bodies a certain way, and usually it works the way it’s suppose to. However, I do believe C-section can save lives, when necessary. I am fortunate that for my last 2 children I was able to choose a midwife, without extra expense in this province, covered by the provincial health care plan. They had my body move positions for both births, because otherwise, the heart rate was going down, etc. For my last, the baby had something like 4-7 minutes to get out-that’s it! So, I was moved into a different position completely. I really believe the medical community is not aware of these simple practices and really don’t believe a woman’s body can do so much and has so much power! And I guess it’s this that saddens me. To see women not believe in themselves. To see women being duped by the medical community. Is giving birth the hardest thing you may ever have to do? YES! Will a woman ever get a gold medal for giving birth? NO! Why not? It’s not valued. Why do we admire athletes who have the attitude of “no pain no gain” but we don’t have that attitude for ourselves. We women and our bodies have value! The same way it saddens me that so many women believe they just don’t make enough milk to feed their own babies. They trust in the doctor or nurse, who really doesn’t have all the facts and hardly any education in this area. And just when we are most vulnerable and need help the most.
Yet, after saying all this, every woman has their pain tolerance level. Some women just don’t have the support they need. Some labours are long, very long and a woman just can’t do it anymore. So, that’s why we really should never judge anybody. We don’t know every single detail and we don’t know what the woman and those around her were thinking/feeling at the time.
But, we cannot leave everything up to the medical community. We do need to educate ourselves. And I hope if you get anything from my commentary, it’s I hope you believe in yourself and educate yourself so that for those of you who really do want and dream of a natural birth, can have that experience., if your body has been made for this. This is a very difficult topic to talk about and if those from the medical community could give us a bit more insight as to why dr.’s want to do C-sections, it would be nice to hear from them.